January

What is it about revolutions around the sun that triggers strange sentimentality in people?

I’ve been a cynic my entire life that for so long, temporal markers have done nothing to me and my jaded butt. Why care about resolutions, anniversaries, and even birthdays when everything is doomed to end anyway? I think the great absurdists of my time had a point when they asked, “ano pang point?”

But when the calendars changed about a month ago, I realized that maybe this “why bother” attitude is an entire demon on its own. Mary Oliver (bless her soul 😢) was right: darkness, too, can be a gift.

And so I decided to keep a monthly log. The goal is to have a steadier grip on my emotions, and maybe to force myself to track not only the lows but also the highs. The cynic in me doubts that I could sustain this pseudo-project for an entire year but what the hell, man. I might as well try.

Now how do I begin?

I think my year has started on a steady note. Sakto lang, as they say, with only a few minor (but still notable) victories.

This month, for instance, I finally gained the habit of washing my face every night. I just recently started accepting the fact that I’m not getting any younger and, more importantly, I now understand that the world demands more from women’s faces. Taking care of my skin is like an unwritten social requirement, and I guess it’s a good thing that I now know how to do it.

I also went out with friends a few times this month. I started saying “yes” more often, which is yet another quote achievement unquote.

Funny, because just last week when Pat invited me to a buffet dinner, I was struggling to come up with excuses to say no. And then I remembered what DJ said in a letter, something about how keeping friends becomes harder the older we get. (It does, doesn’t it?) And so against my self-imposed hermitdom, I decided to go out with Pat’s gang and — to my surprise — I actually had fun. Nice.

Lastly, when my boss informed me on Friday that HR is hesitant to extend my contract, my intuitive reaction was, meh. I know they need me, and I know they’ll be hard-pressed to find someone who can replace me. Is this what (over)confidence feels like? To be so secure of myself despite the impending uncertainty — wow. Who have I become?  

If this HR thing had happened a few months back, I would have sulked in a corner and questioned own skills and my entire being. But this month, in the first month of the new year, I realized that I have gotten to know myself better and to like myself a little more. Can this be considered character development? Charos.

But I know for certain that this is bound to change; my self-esteem, as always, is bound to fluctuate. So maybe this post isn’t just a recap. This is also a note-to-self, a kind reminder for the inevitable slumps and future moments of sorrow that, at some point this year, I actually felt self-assured. #


The featured image is some lazy cat photo from Pixabay.

And — this isn’t related to anything at all — but I really like the song Persistence by Banna Harbera. Look it up on Spotify. Ganda! ❤ 

5 thoughts on “January”

  1. Nabasa ko dati na ok daw mag -note “just to keep track” ng progress mo, mga achievements, etc.. May isa akong personal project dati, nag-notes ako, mga nagawa ko, mga kapalpakan, etc., although di ko pa natatapos, effective naman siya. It gives you something to look forward to or reminds you that “oi di pa tapos ‘to”. Parang ganoon. O kaya parang ganito: last year two years na ang nabayadan ko sa housing loan ko—2 down, 18 to go. Hahaha.

    “keeping friends becomes harder the older we get.” Making new friends is even harder. Hahaha.

    Matagal ko nang nababasa ang Banna Harbera, di ko pa napapakinggan. Natutuwa ako sa name nila kasi naalala ko si Yogi Bear. May bago ako pinapakinggan, Soccer Mommy. Ganda rin. Not sure if magugustuhan mo/makakarelate ka. Para daw siyang indie-rock version ni Taylor Swift.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awew, ang tagal ko magreply. Hahaha sarreh.

      Pero true, sana nga mapanindigan ko ito in the long run. Hindi talaga nagwu-work sa akin ‘yung mga to-do list e. Kahit ilista ko, lagi kong ipinagpapaliban ’til the last minute. Crammer, ako e. At naks, may bahay! ‘Di ka talaga pwede mag-quit sa work n’yan, hehe. Mabilis na lang ‘yang 18 years, rAd! ‘Pag retire mo chill-chill ka na lang sa balay. 😀

      Matagal ko nang sinukuan ang “making new friends.” Kayo-kayo na lang dito sa WordPress ang new friends ko. (At talagang nag-claim ako na friends tayo ‘no? Haha).

      Pinakinggan ko Soccer Mommy. Gurl, parang Best Coast! Gusto ko! Bet ko talaga ‘tong tamad-tamaran school of singing ng mga babaeng bokalista e, haha. Tenkyu sa recom! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Congrats on saying “yes” more often ^_^ it may be a quote achievement unquote, but if it’s not something you normally do, that is an achievement in my books 😉 i’m kinda the same, i say no more often than yes, but this year i want to flip that over and do the opposite.

    Also, thanks to your first monthly log, it made me realize na hala, 29th na pala! Bakit last year, parang ang haba ng January???

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thanks Odee! I still don’t understand why people like us struggle to say “yes”, but hopefully this year will be our year! Kaya natin ‘to! 🙂

      And oh boy, I sure hope the rest of 2019 runs at an equally steady pace. Ibang bagal ang 2018 e. 😪

      Liked by 1 person

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