June

Today marks Day 4 of my attempt to solve an Excel VBA problem at work. My sheets look the same as they did last Friday, and the fact that I haven’t moved forward on this task makes me feel like my brain is nothing but a slightly cognitive swirl of cow manure graced with a dead langaw on top. Hayayay.

But anyway, let’s talk about June.

June was the month when I just wasn’t in the mood to do anything. Normally I would force myself to write a post every Sunday but I didn’t feel like doing that last month. I also got sick, I barely ate, and I struggled with both waking up in the morning and sleeping at night.

The nights in particular were unbearably long. I could’ve gone to the gym to help me sleep better, but I didn’t. I could’ve drunk alcohol too, but I wasn’t in the mood for that either.

Instead I went straight to the house after work, I did more work for another job, and I spent the rest of the evenings on my bed waging battles against the various inanimate objects in my room. I hated the Books on the Bedside Table who wouldn’t stop shrieking in unison to get my attention; I got pissed at the Light Switch who wouldn’t concede to my telepathic plea of turning itself off; and I envied the Wooden Chair whose legs, I realized, would never ever have to endure fatigue.

So yes, it was indeed a lonely June.

The Absence of Friends, I think, makes this loneliness feel all the more palpable the older I get. Essie and I once talked about Friends the series and we agreed that while it had questionable takes that could be fodder for retrospective critique, the show was still able to portray a certain period in our lives when, after some point, the people who know us best are not our family, not our colleagues, but our friends.

And that’s what I don’t have here. Friends. Can you imagine having no friends in your twenties? Oh well.

Thankfully I ended my June on a better note: just this weekend I brought my parents to a popular vacation spot by the Rocky Mountains. I had my Huji cam ready when we rode the gondola lift going up the summit, and I couldn’t be happier when I saw this photo after the trip:

They were beaming, man! Hayyy. Some nights I wallow in regret for the choices I’ve made, but moments like this remind me that maybe it’s okay. I’m okay. My decisions were okay. Kahit kailan sila muna bago ako — and that’s perfectly okay.

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