October

“That was the year, my twenty-eighth, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and every procrastination, every mistake, every word, all of it.”
– Joan Didion, “Goodbye To All That”

When I realized that my dismal academic performance in October would most likely delay my graduation, I broke down.

But it wasn’t immediate, the breaking down. Sometime in mid-October I started getting back my exam results — all failing grades, all below class average — but I didn’t cry just yet. There were moments when my chest would feel an aching tug, but I also had other exams and other assignments and other reports to worry about.

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Sunday Currently #5

It is almost 2am on a Monday and I have just completed all my tasks for Sunday but I still feel like writing a post before I finally, finally go to sleep — so currently I am

reading Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata, which I would probably finish tonight (this morning) while I wait for Sleep to kick in;

writing this post and a bazillion other things for school and for work;

listening to my “Panggabi” playlist;

thinking that I am too tired to think about anything right at this moment;

smelling nothing in particular;

wishing that I could re-calibrate the universe so I could live my life as a trophy wife or a non-showbiz girlfriend;

hoping that I do better in my next electromagnetics exam (I failed the first one hay buhay);

wearing an oversized shirt and a pair of gray leggings;

loving nothing right now, unfortunately;

wanting to die charet bad joke sorry;

needing a do-over on life hayayayay;

feeling tired, man. Nakakapagod din talagang mabuhay, ano po?

O s’ya, matutulog na ako. I hope you kids are living better lives, wherever you are.


The featured image has nothing to do with this post because gan’un talaga.

Of places and parallel universes

Between moments of wakefulness and sleep, a realization: my dreams rarely take place in Canada. Take place. Isn’t that a nice phrase? To take place. As if places are ever ours to take.

A couple nights ago my dream took place in an unfamiliar, unnamed location. In the dream I was speaking gibberish while explaining electric field equations to Another Person. I could very well be telling a story about norval swords and slithy toves, but within the (il)logical parameters of my dream, I perfectly understood Gaussian math.

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September (Hear Me Speak)

I am copping out on my September log. I have a bazillion things to do, and I just don’t have the energy nor the time to think and write about my life. Nakakapagod!

In lieu of a September post I have an audio recording of my August log. Yez baks, that’s right. I talked to Yin of Kaharuhay the other day and she mentioned that I could start a podcast by just reading my blog posts aloud. E uto-uto naman ako, plus I really needed a quick sanity break, so here we are:

[sorry I had to remove it]

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This Is How It Ends

Last night I dreamed about The End of the World.

In the dream my family and I went to a hole-in-a-wall restaurant somewhere in the ghetto part of the city. The restaurant had a karindirya vibe. The plastic tables and chairs were arranged unceremoniously in an open garage along a crummy alley, and the trays of food were displayed behind a glass case similar to the ones in fancier turo-turo places.

My mind was elsewhere when we got there. I was thinking about Something, and Something was stressing me so hard that I decided to light a cigarette that I fished out of my sweater pocket. I puffed a smoke in front of my parents and they didn’t seem to care. All was well.

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August

Let’s make this short and sweet, shall we?

I waited a little too long to write this post, so instead of reminding myself about the ups-and-downs of August I will simply talk about the movies and songs and other thingamajigs that I enjoyed last month.

In August I watched five films: Parasite (2019), Kuya Wes (2018), ‘Tol (2019), Hello, Love, Goodbye (2019), and Someone Great (2019). My favorite was Parasite. It’s not perfect, not at all, but it is equal parts entertaining and relevant and I think more people should give it a watch. Ganda.

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Sunday Night Worries

I have a presentation to do tomorrow and it’s about the technical report that I submitted last week.

My supervisor has yet to give me feedback on what I wrote, but I am 100% certain that half of it is hard, solid bullshit. I simply didn’t understand what I was writing about. And tomorrow, when I present that shit in front of the team, I know that they will realize how I practically know nothing about the topic. Hayayay.

A part of me just wants to chill and focus on what’s present. Be objective, they say. Address the things you can change and forget the stuff that you have no control over. Understand the facts and start from there.

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