Bago ako magsimulang kumuda tungkol sa buwan ng Hulyo, ikukuwento ko muna na kanina, araw ng Linggo, bandang alas siete ng umaga, nagdilim ang paningin ko at nawalan ako ng malay. Gutom na gutom kasi ako.
N’ung Biernes pa ‘yung huling kain ko, pananghalian na shawarma mula sa isang restaurant malapit sa opisina. Biernes ng gabi dumaan lang ako sa mall at bumili ng ice cream (isang cup ng white chocolate with raspberry!). Kahapon naman, Sabado, nagkape lang ako buong araw. Balak ko naman talagang mag-almusal kaninang umaga, pero ‘ayun na nga, hinimatay ako. Nang magising ako sa sahig ng kusina kung saan ako bumagsak, kumain agad ako ng tsokolate at pumasok sa kwarto para humiga at magpahinga. Hayayay.
Pero ayos naman na ako ngayon. Namalengke na ako kanina, okay na. Susubukan ko na lang siguro na hindi magpagutom ulit. Hmm.
So mabalik tayo sa Hulyo. Ano nga ba ang nangyari n’ung Hulyo?
Today marks Day 4 of my attempt to solve an Excel VBA problem at work. My sheets look the same as they did last Friday, and the fact that I haven’t moved forward on this task makes me feel like my brain is nothing but a slightly cognitive swirl of cow manure graced with a dead langaw on top. Hayayay.
But anyway, let’s talk about June.
June was the month when I just wasn’t in the mood to do anything. Normally I would force myself to write a post every Sunday but I didn’t feel like doing that last month. I also got sick, I barely ate, and I struggled with both waking up in the morning and sleeping at night.
The initial plan was to write something with a little arte, like maybe start with a scene description from Noah Baumbach’s Frances Ha, maybe include a dialog or two, and then fluidly transition into a persuasive thesis statement on adulthood, credit scores, and being “undateable.” Too bad I’m too lazy to pull that off, so I’m just gonna go ahead and say,
I watched six movies this month. Five out of six were romance films; the odd one out was Captain Marvel.
I didn’t write notes about these movies. I didn’t even think about them that much. I needed to rest my mind; I had enough shit to worry about this month.
When I watched Alone/Together I cried practically the entire time. I didn’t, no — I couldn’t think too much about the film. I don’t even remember anything about it; I just know that the tears started pouring the moment I saw CAL.
I welcomed February with exactly $0 in my bank account. Usually I save at least a hundred bucks after each billing cycle — but this month? Pff. I had nada.
“We got bills to pay,” sings Taylor Swift. So this month I paid the bills, I took charge of my brother’s rent (long story and not mine to tell) and I shouldered other expenses too. I couldn’t even let my paychecks simmer into oblivion. They were gone as soon as they arrived; it was instant sublimation.
But I’m fine, I guess. My family still eats regularly, I still have a job, and I can still afford to drink beer every now and then. I come from a lower middle class household so treading the fringes of financial stability isn’t new to me. I’m used to this; we’ll survive eventually.
What is it about revolutions around the sun that triggers strange sentimentality in people?
I’ve been a cynic my entire life that for so long, temporal markers have done nothing to me and my jaded butt. Why care about resolutions, anniversaries, and even birthdays when everything is doomed to end anyway? I think the great absurdists of my time had a point when they asked, “ano pang point?”
But when the calendars changed about a month ago, I realized that maybe this “why bother” attitude is an entire demon on its own. Mary Oliver (bless her soul 😢) was right: darkness, too, can be a gift.