January – June

I was not able to write my monthly logs this year, so here goes a mid-year recap with diary entries and ink sketches from January ’til June.

January

I STARTED THE YEAR with an obligatory determination to do better.

The preceding semester was one of my worst — I passed all my classes but my GPA dropped, effectively killing my chances for admission to competitive post-grad programs. Still, I wanted to do better.

Most of my classes this term were electives. There was one on machine learning, another on fault-tolerant systems. If only I were wealthy and smart, I would definitely pursue higher studies in those fields.

The second part of my design class also started this month. My team aced the proposal last term, but during meetings and consultations I could tell that neither the client nor the adviser knew anything about my task. When I asked them for guidance on how to solve the possible lapses in my design, all I got were empty attempts at advice (e.g. “take it one step at a time” or “it’s okay if it doesn’t work as long as you understand why”).

I realized that I was more results-driven than I thought: it mattered to me that I made my design work. I couldn’t get on board with the focus-on-the-process it’s-the-climb mindset — I had a goal and I knew the joy of learning would come only when I achieved that goal.

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December

I baked chocolate chip cookies on Christmas Eve. I also ate turkey and spaghetti, I drank wine, and then I watched a movie before going to sleep at around 4am on Christmas Day.

My sleep cycle is still whacked. Luckily I don’t go back to school until next week so I can go to sleep whenever I want. Overall I feel much better now than I did last month.

I still have to go to the clinic to get another blood test done. Sometime in December I did what the doctors call a Lung Function Test, and the technician told me that the results do not suggest I have asthma (“but it doesn’t completely rule it out,” she said). This new blood test will determine if my seasonal shortness of breath is caused, not by asthma, but by allergies.

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November

November was rough on my health. I started taking pills to get my circadian rhythm under control but the meds didn’t help at all. The side effects even made things worse, actually.

There was one time when I had to wake my parents up in the middle of the night because my chest hurt so bad and I felt like I was having a heart attack. I drank water, I tried meditating and breathing to a certain pattern but none of them calmed the pain. I told my parents I couldn’t sleep and when Ma gave me a hug, I bawled like a baby. It was bad.

But that was two weeks ago and I’m obviously still alive, so it probably wasn’t a heart attack. I still get those chest pains though — I’ve been having them for quite some time now.

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October

“That was the year, my twenty-eighth, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and every procrastination, every mistake, every word, all of it.”
– Joan Didion, “Goodbye To All That”

When I realized that my dismal academic performance in October would most likely delay my graduation, I broke down.

But it wasn’t immediate, the breaking down. Sometime in mid-October I started getting back my exam results — all failing grades, all below class average — but I didn’t cry just yet. There were moments when my chest would feel an aching tug, but I also had other exams and other assignments and other reports to worry about.

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September (Hear Me Speak)

I am copping out on my September log. I have a bazillion things to do, and I just don’t have the energy nor the time to think and write about my life. Nakakapagod!

In lieu of a September post I have an audio recording of my August log. Yez baks, that’s right. I talked to Yin of Kaharuhay the other day and she mentioned that I could start a podcast by just reading my blog posts aloud. E uto-uto naman ako, plus I really needed a quick sanity break, so here we are:

[sorry I had to remove it]

Continue reading “September (Hear Me Speak)”